I propose a challenge, an award and a new Guinness Record all in one. Joining the Emmy, Razzie and the guy who bounced on a pogo stick for a week straight, I believe the world needs a new high water mark. Thinking of hip-waders, we might call this a high BS mark, because the Bullzee will be awarded for the longest continuously spoken stream of complete bull shit. Don’t laugh — this is art!
Like any award or world record, this one has rules. We can modify them on the run. I’m having this brainstorm before walking out the door to the coffee shop — the idea couldn’t wait.
1. No more than a three second pause between words. 3.01 seconds disqualifies the attempt at the time stamp of the last spoken word.
2. Only words spoken in a common, verifiable language — preferez l’Anglais — count. Singing does not. Random sounds are allowed as part of the attempt but do not qualify for the continuous steam. Thus a long “uh” better last no more than three seconds. A continuous stream of cussing does not count either. Words must be strung together in a that makes sense but has no factual basis. So for example, a New Yorker going off about the subway does not count, but a Little Rock resident who has never been to New York ranting about the subway — that’s complete bull shit.
3. Alteration of the audio to extend the time of speaking or sound output through such means as delay repeats or slowing the tempo will disqualify an attempt. However, one exception is a brief use slow motion to emphasize a really funny part. Do so at your own risk, because the judges (whoever the hell they are) will decide whether your shit is cracked up, and if it isn’t, you lose.
4. Audio effects such as phaser, flanger and resonator are acceptable as long as they do not alter the time signature of the audio recording.
5. Reading from any source does not count. Eyeballs will be examined closely if a teleprompter is suspected of being used. Audio sources such as earpieces are not allowed. No help of any kind — not a friend off-camera feeding lines, an obscure comedy routine fed into the ear — no help. The BS stream must be completely off the top of the head. Think of Marshall keeping it real with the homies in Detroit.
6. The spirit of the Bullzee is an award for the street poet, a record dedicated to the guys and gals who do this sort of nonsense every day, whether hanging on a street corner with the boyz or just hanging on a street corner ’cause they live there. However, no racial overtones are expected. Everyone has a little street poet in them. I’d love to see the Ayatollah bust a rap on George junior.
7. This is not a group effort. One person, one attempt.
8. In order to authenticate the attempt, a time stamp with at least tenths of a second, or a running digital clock facing the camera must be used. I’ll think more about that. Time to get some java….
8. And just to be clear: complete bull. Who wants to win the first Bullzee?
I will be making my own attempt later.