Naughty Newt's Whopper: Passion for Country Led to Affair

The Lamest Excuse for an Adulterous Affair Award goes to Newt “Red, White and Screw” Gingrich, who claimed he slept with a woman other than his wife because he was busy serving his country and apparently didn’t have time to service the folks back home.

 

Newt affair
Newt’s latest wife, who he cheated with while married to his last wife, who he cheated with while married to his first wife.

Newt’s affair #3 led to marrying Calista, pictured here at the moment she realized she’d married a serial liar and egghead.

The Lamest Excuse for an Adulterous Affair Award goes to Newt ‘Red, White and Screw’ Gingrich, who claimed he slept with a woman other than his wife because he was busy serving his country and apparently didn’t have time to service the folks back home. What made him so busy back in 1998 was his personal crusade to impeach Bill Clinton for…?

The man living in the glass house is gearing up to run for president and trying to confront the #1 question he’ll face as a candidate: why’d he cheat? So he goes on Christian television and offers the whopper about loving his country more than his second wife, a calculated political move on par with Nixon’s Checker’s speech and Bill Clinton’s vehement denial that he “did not have sex with that woman.”

Newt’s audacity is breathtaking. He has learned from decades of making outrageous excuses for hypocrisy that none of it matters; he only gets more popular with the people that matter: contributors, Fox News and a large swath of Republican voters. He needs the evangelicals, and if not for his adulterous ways he’d be an early favorite to win their vote.

Newt wrapped his stinking turd in the flag and served it up with a big smile, and at the same time probably squashed any real chance he has of making his White House dream come true. As blogger Conservative Wanderer notes, if the stress of being Speaker of the House drove Newt to fuck around, what is he liable to do when he’s President?

If his Republican primary opponents don’t skewer him for being a hypocritical asshole, he’s sure to be the butt of every adultery joke, replacing his arch nemesis, President Clinton.

In fact, Newt could go down in history for this one. People centuries from now will still be talking about the douche bag who actually tried to claim he got some strange because he loved his country so much. Gingrich’s only hope is to slink away before word really spreads of what he claimed. But somehow I don’t think we’re going to get that lucky.

2 thoughts on “Naughty Newt's Whopper: Passion for Country Led to Affair”

  1. Too much hard work and passion for country led him to adultery? Newt, Newt, Newt, you crack me up man!
    You should write comedy with material like this! That’s better than the “dog ate my homework”! Really, that is the dumbest excuse ever, never heard it used before, so Newt, you are unique and need to write comedy. I’m sure you’d fare much better at comedy than being the pathetic, sorry, no account politician that you are. Good luck because you are now finished as a politician with this latest insane comment.

    1. We can only hope that American voters see Newt for what he really is: a conniving little bastard who will use anyone and say anything to feed his self importance.

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