Naughty Newt's Whopper: Passion for Country Led to Affair

The Lamest Excuse for an Adulterous Affair Award goes to Newt “Red, White and Screw” Gingrich, who claimed he slept with a woman other than his wife because he was busy serving his country and apparently didn’t have time to service the folks back home.


Newt affair
Newt’s latest wife, who he cheated with while married to his last wife, who he cheated with while married to his first wife.

Newt’s affair #3 led to marrying Calista, pictured here at the moment she realized she’d married a serial liar and egghead.

The Lamest Excuse for an Adulterous Affair Award goes to Newt ‘Red, White and Screw’ Gingrich, who claimed he slept with a woman other than his wife because he was busy serving his country and apparently didn’t have time to service the folks back home. What made him so busy back in 1998 was his personal crusade to impeach Bill Clinton for…?

The man living in the glass house is gearing up to run for president and trying to confront the #1 question he’ll face as a candidate: why’d he cheat? So he goes on Christian television and offers the whopper about loving his country more than his second wife, a calculated political move on par with Nixon’s Checker’s speech and Bill Clinton’s vehement denial that he “did not have sex with that woman.”

Newt’s audacity is breathtaking. He has learned from decades of making outrageous excuses for hypocrisy that none of it matters; he only gets more popular with the people that matter: contributors, Fox News and a large swath of Republican voters. He needs the evangelicals, and if not for his adulterous ways he’d be an early favorite to win their vote.

Newt wrapped his stinking turd in the flag and served it up with a big smile, and at the same time probably squashed any real chance he has of making his White House dream come true. As blogger Conservative Wanderer notes, if the stress of being Speaker of the House drove Newt to fuck around, what is he liable to do when he’s President?

If his Republican primary opponents don’t skewer him for being a hypocritical asshole, he’s sure to be the butt of every adultery joke, replacing his arch nemesis, President Clinton.

In fact, Newt could go down in history for this one. People centuries from now will still be talking about the douche bag who actually tried to claim he got some strange because he loved his country so much. Gingrich’s only hope is to slink away before word really spreads of what he claimed. But somehow I don’t think we’re going to get that lucky.

Ode to Cougar

O cougar, I know your desire. Your growls I hear at yoga, where you prowl and shiver and discuss dinner among the others who know your personal fire. The other cougars. I notice your Down Dog and your Exalted Warrior. Nice ass. I mean good form – and I’m your instructor!

O Cougar, how your claws sharpen upon younger men. If the seasoned male hunters weren’t seeking cubs, you’d consider sharing your den. But your path is marked by casual encounters, passing in the night the scents of your kind. No young to raise, no man to feed. The hunt is all your own.

You choose your mates carefully, able to engage the pursuit or leave it if the scent goes cold. No affirmations of your womanhood do you need. But beware when the trail is hot! Cougar will pounce. Cougar has wants. Cougar love devours.

Her path can be seen as lonely, but pity not her plight. She doesn’t stride the earth regretful or shamed. She holds her head high, proud of her place. Let the girls have their older men – a hard dick is easy to find. Cougar need only venture outside.

Some nights are harder than others. Sleeping alone isn’t the same as nestled against a lover. If they’d shut up about their ex wives and mothers, you might keep them around longer. You breathe the sex late at night when life is least complicated. When you can be cougar.

Young man, don’t try to be a lion for cougar; be good. Be easy. Be there when needed. Otherwise, get out of the den. Cougar doesn’t want your undying affections; your poetry, music or high ideas. She wants you to know her through her body and predilections.

She wants to be so, so naughty.

O cougar, I know your desire. Your growls I hear at yoga, where you prowl and shiver and discuss dinner among the others who know your personal fire. The other cougars. I notice your Down Dog and your Exalted Warrior. Nice ass. I mean good form – and I’m your instructor!

Let’s get together. Your den or mine doesn’t matter, though you’ll be more comfortable at home where you can stretch out and purr. I love how you purr to my caresses. Careful with those claws; save them for later, when my advances raise your cute ears. Yeah, I noticed.

I know what pleases your eye and raises your howls; where you want to be touched and how; when to take you and when to let you be. You’ll never be mine. But at night my presence soothes and my body warms. Your maw against mine. You know how to find me.

A Shag a Day Beats an Apple

An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away. That’s the conclusion of some sex researchers and psychologists (and practitioners). People release excess energy during climax; without the release, energy blocks instead of circulates, leading to mental and physical decline. So by all means, don’t be blocked!

Chinese medicine works on the same idea that the body has subtle energy systems which are supposed to move freely. Breakdown of the body or mind is the result of blockage in one or more of those systems, so in Chinese medicine a doctor’s job is to stimulate circulation by various means: acupuncture, massage, herbs, orgasms.

Vibrators were first invented for physicians to treat women for a variety of symptoms lumped together as “hysteria.” The story goes that the overworked doctors needed help keeping up with the repeat business once they introduced the vibrator as a means of treatment. No wonder: for decades vibrators could only be bought by doctors. Those early doctors were on to something, monopolizing the manually-induced orgasm market until WWII, when the scarcity of breeding-age males produced new ideas for what to do with a cucumber.

The word organ in Greek means “to be excited” or “swell up.” Organ, organism, and orgasm are all related by root. Further, libido is defined as both a biological and sexual energy, as if they are synonymous. Sex, and release, it appears, is essential to the human organism.

I remember a quote a long time ago from Kathleen Turner, one of the hottest actress of her generation who has remained hot into her 60s. Her secret? I can’t quote her exactly, but I believe her answer to the question of her beauty secret was, “Sex, sex and more mind-blowing sex.”

Sigmund Freud gave libido its strictly sexual definition. He theorized that sex and secret desire were the most basic sources of human drive and motivation, but his views have been proven to be skewed by his own hang-ups. Libido is the basic energy of life, and its source is not the sex drive; however, sex looses stored energy and delivers it to the nervous system, where it circulates, renews and revitalizes.

Freud was not completely wrong though. A healthy sex life has many benefits, plus there’s no feeling like really blowing your top! All in the name of good health. An occasional apple might help too.

Why do men report more sex partners than women? Blame it on the EZ girls.

The NYTimes recently reported that researchers are confused about some fuzzy math related to how many sex partners we collectively report having. For some reason, women report fewer and men report more sex partners on average, roughly seven to four. The numbers should equalize but they don’t, and researchers have proposed some plausible albeit naive answers from the lofty view of their ivory towers: the surveys don’t account for prostitutes, business travel (mostly men) or exaggeration. Problem is, the same phenomena shows up around world.

To get to my answer to this question easily answered from my view down here in the trenches, first let’s focus our attention up the scale, to the truly sexually liberated — “outlyers” in statistical language. The people gettin’ it on right now and will be gettin’ it on tomorrow when most of us are, oh, working or sleeping. What would happen if we look at the numbers and see that a small percentage of women — say about five percent — have sex with dozens or hundreds of men, even thousands, and when surveyed are unlikely to come even close to an actual number? Not to be chaste — that went out the window with the first bloody sheets — but because they just don’t remember? Or don’t want to remember?
I hear already people crying foul that there’s a Wilt Chamberlain for every Madonna. They would be wrong. Let’s admit it. Take two average people, a male and a female, and see who is more likely to get laid tonight. Ladies? You want booty and it’s a phone call away. Guys? Well, they don’t call it getting lucky to be coy.

Logic says that women getting a lot of dick would be accounted for in the numbers, represented on a chart as most women who have a handful of partners in a lifetime — and a few that have buckets full. But let’s be real. Sure, some men — professional athletes, rock stars and hypnotists — fuck anything that moves until their cocks rot. But most scrape for every close call they can add to their list. Whereas women might not call the same encounter sex, more like a nice try — or even just forget it all together because the experience totally sucked.

For instance, ladies, have you ever had a guy force himself on you, not rape but you know, he just won’t stop but maybe you started it and figured you’ll just fuck him and get it over with? Or some such similar experience. How many of you would rank that as a “sex partner?”

I could ask two women from my past to further make my point. My “first” probably would not remember me; our experience was not very memorable. A few strokes and fireworks, if you know what I mean. If she’d been a childhood friend or girlfriend, it would be different, but this was an almost random encounter in a friend’s bedroom with someone I’d met that day. The second was a drunken hook-up in college. We got naked, I got inside of her and she said no. I pulled on my pants and went home. In my book, she counts. Dick met Jane with the intention of meeting her again and again and again, but Jane wanted to make love, not knock boots. When my friends asked the next day how everything went, I didn’t go off about cold fish, I just gave them the thumbs up. The scales have just become imbalanced, one differing perception at a time.

Some of you might disagree that females have an easier time finding sex partners, might disagree that women have a different standard for counting numbers than men (depends on what the definition of “Is” is). So then why do men report an average number of seven sex partners and women four?

Because of differing perceptions. And, a few women out of every hundred feel empowered by their sexuality or feed a fixation by indulging it at will. And, I propose without any numbers to back me, that more of these women are being produced than men going back a few generations. And, just about every guy I know has had sex with at least one if not several of these girls who give it up easily. We all remember the cheerleader from “Porky’s,” and if you don’t, rent the movie right now, watch it until you get a feel for the character and continue reading this post.

To further make my point, I’ll dip back into my own history. In college, two friends of mine, a male and female who were roommates with each other, went to a watering hole. Both engineering students, they’d just finished finals and were ready to cut loose, get drunk and have bed-busting sex. Guess who got laid? Soon after, we proposed the theory about women having a much easier time at the sex partners game and tested it through observations. Time and again we witnessed our theory reinforced to the point we considered it proven.

Because the whole process of obtaining sex from a new partner is completely different for a woman — so comparatively easy — I think that the woman who says four, when technically she should say seven, is telling her version of the truth. Those other three — in a fraternity bathroom after a kegger; the friend in high school who misunderstood her feelings; the creepy roommate’s boyfriend’s friend who fucked her when she was passed out — don’t count in her mind. But in his mind, that’s another notch in the belt.

Once, an SUV with two attractive women pulled alongside me. One of the women said, “Hey, do you like #*%$!&,” some nonsensical term. Caught by surprise, all I had to see was they were hot to reply, “Sure, what you got in mind?” One said to the other, “You see, they’re all the same,” before they sped away. They were proving their own theory and used me to do it.

Researchers need hard numbers and not anecdotes to explain why American men report 75 percent more partners than women. (In England the discrepancy is higher: around 100 percent.) I can only offer anecdotes, but nonetheless, I think we know the truth. Take a woman with 100 male sex partners and see if all of those men report her as a partner. I bet all of them would, and even a few who didn’t. But take a man with 100 female sex partners and survey them and I’d guess that about three in ten would mysteriously erase the “incident.” Over time our self-justifications or exaggerations are remembered as truth, and when a surveyor comes around asking the magic question, stories change. Come on, a president gets a blow job and doesn’t consider it sex, or the blower a sex partner? I think I’ve made my point.

I suggest that researchers add a question for women. Other than the sex partners you count as legitimate, how many other men might consider a partner? But to answer that question,